I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
