my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
