Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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