grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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