my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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