Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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