i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
