I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
