Jerry, you need to find god
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
