i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
