I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
