i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
