There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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