I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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