My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
