im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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