i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
