Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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