One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
