Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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