If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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