I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
