Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
