you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
