I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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