Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
