2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
