There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
