we're chasing vodka with high fives
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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