Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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