can we get nightvision for the apartment?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
