I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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