insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize