Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
