i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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