His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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