I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
