So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
