There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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