I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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