From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
