fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
