I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You smell like stripper and shame
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
