I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
