Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
