Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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