listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
