i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize