Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
