i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
