he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
