Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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