I wish I could teleport
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
