i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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