Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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