just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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