He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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