1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Ladies don't puke and tell
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
