saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
