you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
