My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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