I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
