There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
